just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
