Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
