Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
