I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
