Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
