Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
