just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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