It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
