She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
