I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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