i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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