Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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