Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
