I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
