I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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