1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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