I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
