I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
