I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
