The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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