My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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