and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
