There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm bleeding and have questions
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
