when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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