Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
