My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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