The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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