I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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