She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
