Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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