just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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