i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
