I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
