I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
