i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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