The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
