I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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