i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
