when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
