The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
