Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
