I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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