I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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