i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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