i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
