After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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