i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
