Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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