new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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