I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize