1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Jerry, you need to find god
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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