I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
