i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize