It's Friday. Sex?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
