Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
