Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
