you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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