That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
