thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
