Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
