There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize