he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
