she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
