This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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