Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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