Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
