The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
