I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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