Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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