i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
