my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
