My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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