I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
