I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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