My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
